The Dirty Dozen

It's A Motley Crew At Best
- By Kevin Childre

Wholly cow, I just saw the new ToP site is up; I’m not sure what’s more of a shock – that the Spoonman is really planning on riding, or that we are only 5 weeks out for the roll-out from Portland.

As I contemplated my first official blog for this year’s ride, I sat watching the Tour of Flanders on Verses. Why the significance of this – aside from the obvious connection of an epic battle on the bikes, you ask? Simple – all week long the race had been predicted to be the worst weather in its 90+year history – rain, wind, mud, Flemish fans chain smoking stinky Belgian cigarettes while smothering perfectly good fries with globs of mayonnaise. But the weather looked good, the mud was not nearly as thick and cold as expected, and with 23 Km to go, Big George Hincapie was still in the fight.

So, while we will see a little mist, I predict a little sun and clear blue skies as well - hopefully we won’t see the wasted fries.

As you have heard, we have all of last year’s riders returning for a second helping. In honor of this monumental achievement, here is a short introduction:

• Brian ‘AXE” Hughes – Earning the first awarding of the Lantern Rouge – largely the payback for an uncontrollable obsession for blackberry pie – he became the mark to beat, if for no other reason than no one wanted to share the red shorts.

• Curt Alitz – Our resident surgeon came into last year’s epic with a few trainer rides, a sprint triathlon marking his return to competition and a spanking new bike. But mostly, it was a dream. A dream of a faded yellow VW bus, a good pair of mustard yellow polyester pants, and the call of the road. A dream, and a promise made to a young friend (and a threat made to his friend’s wife); all that was missing were the promised groupies that would giggle when the wind blew. Not to worry Curt, watching you consume your weight in chocolate GU’s, we all giggled.

• Bob “Bobbo” Binder – Setting the tempo from day one, Bobbo rolled off the front of the group at a pace that left no question that this was a race. Maybe it was the excitement, maybe it was the 30 mile an hour tail wind, but he was not to be denied. As he crested the top of the first major climb of the ride – the tattered remains of the poor souls that dared to try and hang on – he was heard to yell out in an evil cackle, “Let that be a lesson SD, the OC’s a lot more than my favorite TV show!!!”

• Jeff Theders – “Hey”, we said as we exited the plain white panel van. “How’s it going?” he replied, “Are you the guys driving North?” “Yeah, nice to meet you – what’s your name?” “Jeff, nice to meet you as well – here’s my $5000.00 bike, see you in San Francisco.” That was the introduction to our last minute addition – three complete strangers meeting at an I-15 off-ramp. Kids – we call that faith!!!

• Will Regan – He may have been the youngest, but boy is that boy strong. It was one thing to break his nearly brand new bike – but it was something altogether to be able to push the pedals at 20 mph when it took all the power in my girly-man arms to just spin the tire. As for his training for this year’s ride – since school has precluded him from actually riding his bike, he decided to break it again just to be prepared.

• John Meyer - Mr. Smooth, that’s what we call the oldest of the crowd. This could be because of his near perfect pedal style, or maybe it’s because he managed to pick-up on some innocent – but totally hot – stranger the night before rolling out. When you consider that the lot of us would never be considered members of the cool crowd – something about old grey haired men in Lycra, the fact that any female would even talk to us is pretty impressive. The fact that he managed to keep her interest – simply amazing.

• Steve Burke – We’re in a tie for who of the group is the toughest. Sure, Bobbo managed to do a swan dive off the scaffolding while doing his best impression of the obnoxious paparazzi; but Steve “Titanium” Burke may have the edge after going Mano-a-mano with a 7-ton armored car. While his custom Seven Cycle bike may not make this year’s event – Steve shook off the impact, spit out a few choice explicative’s and bounced his cracked open helmet off the windshield. Last heard, the truck has refused to be seen in Old Town since.

• Wayne Centrone – The “nicest guy in the World” saved us all by saving the Third World. Tending to the down-trodden up to 11th hour, he missed the last months of training and had to use the first couple days to build that all important “base”. This year we might not be so lucky – the only hope is his propensity to thumb his nose at the man – see day two’s blog and let’s hope Johnny Law is paying attention.

• Colin Spooner – The Spoonman, he left us guessing if he would show right up to the roll out time. Personally, I lost $20 to Carter – man of little faith that I am. But not only did he show up, he managed to decipher my ramblings, effortlessly ride while putting the hurt a several members of the pack, and provide Young Master Will with that older brother’s influence that he so craved.

• Kevin Childre – As our least competitive member, I just want to point out that this is a fun ride with our friends, and should not be considered a race in any way. Really, trust me!

• Ron St John – The heart of a lion, the tolerance for a chill in the air that would make a Groundhog waiting for spring shake his furry head in disgust. Ron St. John, which is the only way to address him – it just sort of flows, proved his merit at last year’s event by his exceptional bike skills, his stubborn thumbing of his nose at the convention that one needs to update a 15-year old bike just because it’s a little heavy, and a little rusty. But mostly because he made everyone laugh every day.

• Carter Goodnough – Last, but certainly not least, is the sucker that we managed to talk into putting another year’s ride together. Two days after completing last year’s, he hung his bike up – never to touch it for the next eight months. It was only after realizing that he wasn’t going to see an invitation to show the Pekinese at Westminster that he decided to re-introduce his plastic bag to his bike seat. Welcome back Carter, and before we start to shower you with complaints on the lack of proper planning, thanks for all the work – I can’t wait for the 18th.

So there you have it, the returning twelve. A year older and maybe a little slower, but just as excited for this May and our chance to do it all once again.